The North Beach Diet– “Have your carbs and eat them too”

We all want to look like the models of physical beauty we see splashed everywhere: rail-thin or super-buff—reclining languorously in panty ads or twittering around in a skimpy bathing suit on reality TV drinking yet another maggot-smoothie.

Yet most of us do not want to spend our lives in a gym or restrict our diets to so-called “nutritious” foods.

The low-carb craze seemed like the answer to our prayers: Shed the pounds while gorging on cheese, butter, bacon, steak…it’s a new slice of the American dream. But that slice ignores one big, delicious list of ingredients: crusty French bread, biscuits, pie crust, muffins, cookies, hearty rye, pizza crust etc, etc.

On the North Beach diet, we will show you how to lose weight, continue the fatfest, and enjoy all your favorite carbs. That’s right, you keep the carbs the same but up the fat and protein.

Carbs are not bad. Carbohydrates make up some of our most delicious foods. Let me explain. Here in our non-Christian mid-America think tank, The Havital Institute, our team of nutritionists, biologists, culinary historians, and life-coaches, have blown the lid off human obesity.

The following program will show you how to maximize weight loss while chowing down like an Italian tenor using tools already available all around you. Without reducing your carbohydrate intake by a single crumb. Our program only requires that you strike five major elements from your life. Don’t panic. We guarantee you will not miss them.

First, the science. With the help of our evolutionary biologist, we have come to realize that the human body is a finely tuned survival machine. In our evolutionary history our metabolism developed the ability to finely adjust itself according to variable prevailing conditions. Our ancestors evolved in a roller coaster snack-landscape of alternating feast and famine. Any cue that scarcity might be looming was sensed by our bodies as a time to hold on to spare calories and to start storing fat. In times of plenty, our metabolisms took a “chill-pill” and allowed the fat to melt off, leaving our progenitors looking like lean, mean Western governors.

Our North Beach Diet will show you how striking five major elements from your life will inform your pesky metabolism of something your brain already knows: Life is good! No need to store up fat. There is plenty more where that came from. Now let’s talk turkey.

1. Naked Carbs

Carbs are not bad, naked carbs are bad. We call this the “dry menace”. As you take a bite of dry bread, or eat a low-fat pretzel, or even take a bite of pizza crust sans cheese, your metabolism panics. It believes it is winter out on the steppe or the dry season in sub-Saharan Africa. It will panic and it will store fat. When, however, that cracker has a piece of cheddar on it, when that pretzel is soaked in life-giving fat, the popcorn covered in golden topping, the pizza baked with cheese in the crust, your metabolism senses plenty and lets the fat slide out and off like a taffeta dress on prom night. This one is easy. Nothing dry. Or as we like to say around the Institute, “get a pig in that blanket!”

2. Inconvenience

Life’s inconveniences send a clear message that all is not well. Your metabolism can pick up on even subtle annoyances of the daily grind. Don’t let your metabolism get panicky. When your brain gets frustrated, your body senses want.

-Never leave the table or even lower your voice to answer your cell phone. Your metabolism will get suspicious.

-Never prepare meals from raw ingredients. If God had wanted us making tuna salad, He would not have invented Lunchables. No foods with fewer than fifteen ingredients listed on the package. Seek especially multisyllabic ingredients. Remember: abundance not scarcity.

-Never walk when there is an alternate means of transport available. All that walking, walking, walking is bad, bad, bad. Escalators, up and down! Elevators, moving sidewalks. Going around the corner? Get in the car! Think those electric shopping vehicles in grocery stores are for the handicapped or people with their own private oxygen supply? Think again.

3. Stressors

Stress is the ultimate weight gain signal. Look around. Our society is fully loaded with de-stressing products. Use them.

-When you are forced to reflect on your inner pain, that existential angst, that nagging feeling of emptiness and lack of fulfillment in work and family life, you might as well pick out a pair of nice Sumo wrestling pants. Get real and get on Mommy and Daddy’s and Grandma and Grampa’s and little Billy and Sissy’s little helper: late-model antidepressants. Actually a misnomer. You do not have to be depressed to benefit. It is a vitamin supplement for life. Smooth it out. ASAP.

-Your kids are fidgety at school. They test boundaries. They cry and want stuff. Dear metabolism, please blow me up like a balloon! Trust your pharmaceutical giants and their physician lackeys, and get your kids on speed! They will focus, they will behave, they will lose pounds, and guess what—your stress level will drop with your dress size.

-What could be more stressful than current world events: terrorists, a foreign quagmire of a conflict, unrest throughout the southern hemisphere, tens of millions of unnecessary, inequity-related deaths throughout the undeveloped world? Find yourself wondering what our role is in all of this? Find yourself wondering if your leaders are competent? Find yourself a mu-mu, sister. This ain’t the Sixties! Get your head in the sand or get out your sweat pants, because all this worry about “we did this” or “we’re doing that” is a one-way ticket to fattown: population-you. Out: any alternative media sources, any European media sources, and above all, no marginalized MIT linguists. In: cable TV, any major American newspaper.

4. Confinement

Throughout nature, confinement sends a strong growth signal. You’ve seen that little sapling splitting through a boulder. When restricted to small spaces, your brain tells your body, “I need to grow.” Do not confine yourself. Give yourself room to shrink. Honda Civic? Little car, enormous person. Hummer? The weight will come off. Bungalow? Orson Welles. McMansion? Mick Jagger. Make the right choices.

5. Novelty

Unfamiliar equals stressful equals fatful. Confronted with novelty, how does your brain/metabolism know what to expect? Will there be enough? Will there be any? Panic, weight gain. Again the tools are out there. As you cruise the strip of a new city, you will see the same restaurants, the same bookstores, record stores, discount stores, even pet stores as those on the strip of your hometown.

Use these resources to send powerful signals to your metabolism—“don’t panic, they’ve got the same Bloomin’ onion out here as back home.” “Chill, there’s cheese sticks comin’ with that 3 cheese cheese-lovers pizza.” Do not visit local businesses. It’s all about choices.

The North Beach diet is about living well, losing the pounds and sacrificing nothing. We want it all, we want it now, and we want to Biggie size it for a quarter. The choice is yours. We will show you how.

Published in: on January 12, 2007 at 4:46 pm  Comments (9)  

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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I wouldn’t say I want it all, but I sure as hell can’t go through life without buttery croissants. You’ve saved me. LOL.

  2. Well,
    We all try to do what little we can. Glad to be of service. Dr. Nostrum

  3. Will there be a line of Products , you nkow North Beach Diet Bars. Oh oh and I think you should get a deal with McDonalds create a little Icon, that lets people know this McCombo, is NBDiet approved. It’ll be huge

  4. I like the way you think. The Bacon McFatcheese D-Lux, with a side of potato-free fat fries. Solid gold.

  5. Great post! I’m trying to lose 100 lbs, and a little bit of humor helps.

  6. Good for you. It is the best thing you can do for yourself. Good luck.

  7. Dear Doc Nostie,
    Thank you for your science-ish explanation of weight gain. Can marginalized linguists be responsible for my male-pattern baldness too? Or can I blame it on former peanut farmers?

  8. Obe,
    I would think the blame for any hair loss issues falls squarely in the lap of Howard Zinn.

  9. Hello, i think that i saw you visited my website
    thus i came to “return the favor”.I’m attempting to find things to improve my website!I suppose its ok to use some of your ideas!!

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