Signs Medicine Was Not The Career For Me-#2

It occurs to me that in my years in medicine, I really made only one lasting contribution. A therapeutic technique that is effective in relieving boredom and ennui. It can make tolerable the most tedious activity, liven up the most tiresome situation.

It works like this. The practitioner uses a sharp–but not too sharp–implement (say a toothpick that once held a sample square of grocery store cheddar, and is now on hand in the checkout line–a classically boring situation).

The implement is applied lightly to the exposed skin of the victi patient repeatedly. This should cause not pain, but a light pricking sensation followed by a vague itchiness. The neck, shoulders, ears are all good candidates for application. The treatment continues until all sense of boredom has resolved.

I call it: Accu-bother.

This is my one contribution to the grand biomedical edifice. I am compelled to mention that the chief subject of the phase 1 trials of Accu-bother, a Hatbox Louie, has suggested that the boredom-reducing benefits of the therapy accrue only to the clinician, while the patient is beset by myriad side effects. Chiefly: agitation, hightened flight-or-fight response, and a striking reduction in libido.

Well, medical science marches forward in baby steps, so I won’t be discouraged. Just gotta find some more subjects. Maybe it could help catatonics.

Published in: on December 14, 2006 at 5:06 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Accubother is genius.
    And bravo to both test subject and clinicial for their dedication to the advancement of medical science.

    Rock On
    and consume more fish that ate the fish that ate the fish that ate the fish that was prepared in fish sauce!
    -Jonny O Jonny

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