Sideways New York

I had a vision. Or was it a dream? Manhattan was out of room.

The sky was filled with scrapers, and for obvious reasons, nobody was excited about building even taller buildings.

There was only one solution: Sideways New York.

You know when you’re sitting in the waiting room at the dentist, and you pick up that book with page after page of abstract designs? If you hold it just so and let your eyes go out of focus, unicorns and dolphins and rainbows will slowly emerge from the image in 3-D. That is how Sideways New York works.

There is another New York at a 90 degree angle to the old one. To enter it, you put your left foot up onto the sideways street. Let your mind relax and your eyes go out of focus. Slowly, the sideways city will emerge as the correctly oriented one and the old town will be sideways, and off you go.

Amazingly, with old New York at 90 degrees to you now, no gum comes rolling of its streets onto the new town. The dancers at the strip clubs don’t have tatas pointing at right angles (then again, saltwater has always unburdened them from the exigencies of gravity). Walking around on the Sideways Upper East Side, you are in no danger of being crushed by a fur-laden petrified rich lady and her lapdog. A trip to the Sideways Upper West Side doesn’t end with a faceful of shmears from H&H bagels. It works. Everything stays put.

Want to get back? Put your right foot up onto old New York, relax, cross your eyes, and in a flash you can be on your way to Broadway to see the 9003rd performance of The Producers, now starring Cubby from the Mousketeers and Dweezil Zappa.

I need to find a city planner. Yes, a city planner with schizophrenia. And undermedicated. Yes. This could be big.

Published in: on December 13, 2006 at 5:46 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Dr. Nostrum, I am firefly’s daughter. You’ve quite the blog here. Curiously, I wonder if (by chance) you have come into contact with a certain strange Syrup. . .perhaps one containing a certain pistachio hue or similar colouring ? I’ve been searching for a rather Imp-portant missing ingredient — the qualities of which could perhaps be the cure of a rather unfortunate series of events and mental duress. . .

  2. Hi Fireflysdatter,
    Thanks for stopping by. Well, I have come across a pistachio hued syrup here. It is derived from wormwood and anise-flavored, and illegal in our fair nation. Yet I haven’t tried it. I believe the ideas about its toxicity are old and not sound.

    There is a long tradition of absinthe enjoyment in the Czech republic, and since Hatbox Louie and I are heading to Prague on Monday, and you so cleverly brought it up (if you did), we may just have to try it.

    Are you languishing in Western NY? Or just wanting a new pistachio-colored view of an already smashing situation? Dr. Nostrum

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