Dispatch From Edinburgh-Life Plans Aplenty

Well, Hatbox Louie and I are working on a life plan. We decided to explore the possibility of riding the wave of experimental nonfiction and documentary: Barbara Ehrenreich living on minimum wage, Morgan Spurlock force feeding himself Big Macs, whoever that guy is who posed as a prison guard, then wrote a book. That type of thing.

So we workshopped it over left-over salad.

“The Year of Living Celibately” was not a hit. Hatbox Louie: “Oh that’s a page turner. Chapter 2—We didn’t have sex…again.”

“The Week of Living in Queens Without Cable” seemed to lack emotive force.

We thought of a full year homesteading off the grid (no electricity or plumbing), but in an urban apartment instead of say a Vermont farm house. Cool idea? Pretty much off the table after Hatbox Louie suggested a title for the last chapter: “December 31—The Big Flush.”

I was concerned that our, “The Year Of Not Buying A Yusuf Islam Album,” might alienate the all important 16 to 30-year-old Moslem convert demographic.

“Under a Pittsburgh Cloud.” Scintillating.

“All Crackers, No Bread.” We lose the Atkins people.

How about Hatbox Louie’s glorious, but sketchy: “Our Year of Petty Crime.”

I’m not sure she’ll go for it, but I want to send Hatbox Louie into a different shopping mall every day leading up to Christmas wearing an oversized tee shirt that says, “I go from 0 to Horny in 2.2 Beers”. Then we just wait for the fireworks.

Well, it’s harder than we thought so we may have to go back to my campaign to get corporate sponsorship for our life, like they have for bowl games in college football. Nerf Nostrum. George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine Louie. Catchy. Kotex Light Days Nostrum?

It’s worth a try.

Published in: on December 6, 2006 at 2:37 pm  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Sponsorship pitch? Dr. Nostrum’s LiquiTote by Samsonite. Transport liquids, gels, and curative elixirs in FAA-approved style.

  2. Now that’s an idea that could really get you through customs with some liquids of mass destruction. Say for example, a two liter bottle of Tab.

  3. Ugh, Tab. I’d rather drink nitroglycerin.

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