Mel Gibson and Michael Richards–A Limber Take on Reality

It’s the sundried tomatoes. The goddamn filthy, worthless sundried tomatoes. They are evil. They stink of sulfur from cavorting with Satan. They cause AIDS. The ills of this tired world trace their roots to this lowly, egregious, wrinkled demonfruit.

If they weren’t so damaging they might almost be laughable. Osama bin Laden is hunkered down in a cave somewhere at this moment stuffing his face with sundried tomatoes. He doesn’t even bother to rehydrate them. Every time you bite into a sundried tomato, the terrorists win. Sundried tomatoes eat puppies.

They are bad and evil and rotten. They cause cancer and drove Kurt Cobain to suicide. I wouldn’t eat a stinking miserable sundried tomato if I were starving to death.


I would just like to say that I have nothing personal against sundried tomatoes. I apologize if any of my remarks gave the false impression that I have anything but the highest regard for this estimable vegetable. I was feeling a bit edgy and what came out, came out, but it really had nothing to do with sundried tomatoes themselves.

Some of my closest friends have sundried tomatoes in their pantries. My agent and my lawyer eat them. I’m very sorry. I am going to offer a formal apology next week in Palermo at the Liga Italiano di Sundrato Tomati. I just want to sum up by saying again how sorry I am that my words have been misconstrued. I love sundried tomatoes.

But pesto. That frikkin’ green paste of Lucifer………

Published in: on December 2, 2006 at 1:52 pm  Leave a Comment  

The URI to TrackBack this entry is:

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: